Is there such a thing as an after-party survival kit? Something that could be considered a "golden fleece" to partiers everywhere? No, there isn’t, at least not one written and passed down to humanity. But, throughout the pages of history, there are glimpses of this fabled kit. Reaching as far back as the first Roman orgy, perhaps maybe even as far as the first Neolithic line dance, people have needed some knowledge of what to do when they wake up and say, "UGH! WHAT HAPPENED?!"
In an effort to make this kit far-reaching but succinct at the same time, I will give some helpful tips on only a few areas. This guide will apply to you if you or someone around you has consumed a fair amount of alcohol at a party (that’s not to say that you Zima lovers don’t have a good time without the happy juice), if someone has spilled something on your clothes, or if you have gone wild and humiliated yourself somehow.
The first step in any successful survival kit is assessing the situation at hand. Once you’ve left the party, look around you, see what’s going on. Given what physical/mental shape you are in, you should be able to assess what is a wise choice and what is not. For instance, if you drove to the party and you are now drunk, the obvious choice is to have a sober friend drive you home, or at least to their house if it’s closer and they don’t shy away from sharing their living space with you. If you don’t have a familiar face around, consider taking a cab or a subway home and leaving your vehicle there at the party. Alternatively, if you are the paranoid type and won’t leave your car unattended, the ever-popular "passing out in the car until I sober up" maneuver is also a good option. Which brings about the point that you should always have a blanket in the car (my-my, don’t I just sound fatherly).
The second step of the survival kit is damage control. Sometimes we all find ourselves in situations that we wish we hadn’t been put in, and have to deal with the after effects. The solution could be as simple as taking a glass of Alka-Seltzer to deal with the nacho aftermath, swallowing some Advil to deal with the headache, or, in those "rare" cases, quickly getting out of bed, getting dressed, and promptly leaving the house of "Don Juan never-again-o." With that being said, the best way to handle any after party situation is by immersing yourself in complete denial… just kidding. Okay, that’s not the best idea around, so how ‘bout this: try to think about the consequences of what you say and do, if it involves another person, consider how they might feel if you were in their shoes.
If the only person you have to consider is yourself, and how much you wish you didn’t eat/drink/etc, don’t hate yourself for it. If you are afraid that all the mass consumption is going to make you gain a couple of pounds, just remember that diet and exercise are fairly easy to do if you just ask a professional to guide you along the way.
Spills - we’ve all had it happen at some point. Someone spilled something on you, and you are freaking out about what to do. Often the best idea is to try to get it off as soon as possible so that the stain doesn’t set. Depending on the fabric and the location of the stain you could run to the bathroom and wash it a bit with some hand soap. Another trick of the trade is using a bit of club soda, which can usually be found at bars, to wash out the stain. Some helpful products you can buy at the store include Shout Wipes, Tide to Go and other wipe and stick stain removers that you could keep in your pocket or purse and unleash at the opportune (or, I guess, inopportune) moment. If you just can’t be bothered to worry about the stain right that second, take it to the dry cleaners in the morning; more often than not they can do wonders with stains that aren’t too old.
If what’s needed is a cure-all for a hangover, I cannot help you with that, because there isn’t a wonder drug yet to remedy that completely. There are, however, some over the counter drugs on the market that help curb the effects of hangovers. One of the abovementioned over the counter brands is Drink Ease. Drink Ease is the homeopathic option that you are supposed to take before bed with a glass of water. This would be a good option for anyone who is looking for something more… lets say, "Natural." Of course, Alka-Seltzer is one of the older and better-known remedies out there that is rumored to have the ability to take the edge off the morning after.
If drugs just aren’t your thing, then there are some widely known steps to take that can help alleviate some of the symptoms of a hangover. The first and most commonly known remedy is drinking a glass (or a few, depending on your condition) of water or Gatorade (the world-renowned "dehydration away" beverage) before bed. This might not cure the headache at all, but it will help with the feeling of deadness and cotton mouth in the morning which is induced by alcohol-driven dehydration (also known as "Hey, Bob, watch me chug this!"). Another typical answer to headaches is taking Advil or Excedrin (my girlfriend, who likes parties and the sauce, swears by this one) in the morning; if you prefer some other type of painkiller, then by all means feel free to substitute that. Again, this will not prevent any symptoms, but it will help them pass swifter. Some other wacky ideas passed on to us through village wisdom are drinking pickle juice the night before, or taking a cold shower the morning after. Even though you might feel more sobered up after a cold shower, it’s just your imagination - you are by no means more sober.
The final part of the survival kit is dedicated to prevention. After all, the best ticket to saving yourself from post-party aliments (including humiliation and the walk of shame), is to not do something in the first place. This goes for drinking, sexing, or singing very loudly to your favorite song with the completely wrong pitch. For the drinkers in all of us, there are some helpful drugs currently on the market called "Chaser" ( www.doublechaser.com) and "Beer Neutralizer" (www.beerneutralizer.com). Unlike remedies that deal with after-the-fact matters, these miracle pills take the approach of prevention. "Chaser," reportedly, if taken during a party, will prevent a hangover the morning after. What it does is absorb all the hangover causing toxins and help them pass out of your body safely (from the right end). Thus, you wake up in the morning feeling good instead of like a pile of… well you can fill in the blank. "Beer Neutralizer" goes one step further and supposedly also helps deal with all the abundant amount of carbohydrates in beer and other drinks. That would be great for anyone watching their weight. Do these wonder pills really work? From what I can tell by asking around, they do work for some people, but you have to be sure of the dosage (consult the pill instructions for that one). Some say they still got a headache the morning after, but I’ll let you be the curious one and try for yourself. For any of those people out there who tend to drink and get frisky - be smart and use protection, because it is the best sexual precaution (well, except for getting an iron-clad chastity belt, but I’ll save that for another time.) Last but not least, those who tend to publicly humiliate yourselves, be sure to do it around friends, at least then in the morning they can remind you that you were the life of the party and that they all still love you.
There you have it - my after party survival kit, the condensed version. So maybe there isn’t a "golden fleece" of hangovers, and maybe, just maybe, my survival kit will not help everyone, but at least the tips and hints in this article might help one person. After all, that was my goal - to help enlighten and entertain just a little bit. ‘Till next time, be safe, be smart, and learn the survival kit; you never know when you might need it.
